I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
