if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
