Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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