Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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