dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
