I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
