can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
