I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
