Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
