I could make wine with my vomit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
