friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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