Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
