now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
