so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
