True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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