I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
