i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
