I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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