so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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