I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
