Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
