Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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