wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
