i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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