oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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