No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
