Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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