Your mouth is God's brothel.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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