if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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