I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
