You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
