Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
