OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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