I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
