Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
