Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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