I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
