I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
