life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
