I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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