Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
