You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
someone threw a dead crab at me
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
