i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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