hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
