Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
