batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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