I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
