So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When are your genitals available?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
