i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
