dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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