two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
my poor anus
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
