Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
