All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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