I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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